Guilt
by Luciana Costa
Summary: Angstfic. Colette finally snaps under the pressure of being the Chosen. Good thing for her, Zelos is always willing to lend a helping hand. Except when he's not. Zelos/Colette oneshot.


"I trust you

"I trust you."  
I can't imagine why.  
"I mean it..."  
She keeps saying that, like it's going to make me believe her. Sheesh... this kid...  
"Zelos, why aren't you listening to me?"  
Stupid Chosen. It was Sheena's nickname for me. Maybe it will end up being mine for Colette.  
"Zelos..."  
Her voice is softer now. She's been thinking about this for a while, hasn't she?  
"I... I know you're not going to betray us, no matter what Lloyd thinks. So it's okay... I know, it's going to turn out alright."  
She knows? She knows? What does she know? She knows nothing.  
_She knows everything. She's just like you._  
"Zelos..."  
My name. Again. She needs to leave me alone.  
"If you're not going to listen to me... I'll leave, then... I don't want to be a burden. I'm sorry."  
She's sorry. About what? Lloyd was right. She says it too much.  
"You don't have to say you're sorry. Jeez."  
She seems surprised. It's my first input into the conversation. She should know, I can't sit through a conversation -especially not with a girl- without saying _something._  
"...is that all you're going to say to me?"  
"You should be happy I said anything at all."  
Normally I'd have attached some sort of affectionate nickname to that. Hunny. Little Angel. Rosebud. Somehow, it doesn't feel appropriate right now. Maybe it's the solemnity of the situation. Maybe it's just Colette.  
"Zelos... why won't you talk to me? You're the only one who knows, the only one who understands! Lloyd just stands there and tries to impress me, always wishing me well, saying he understands! He doesn't! He doesn't get it!"  
She's not usually like this. Something's snapped.  
"What makes you think I'd get it more than Lloyd would? Just because I'm a Chosen doesn't mean I'm like you!"  
I don't know what happened, but I think something snapped inside of me too.  
"Well if you're not like me, then who is?"  
"...Get out."  
I don't want to answer her question. I don't want to tell her that she's all alone. Just like me. Alone in a crowd, alone together.  
"What?"  
"Get out of my space. Get out of my room. Get out of this inn. I don't care, just get out."  
She looks like she's close to tears now. I did this to her...? I can't tell... everything's messed up. That happens a lot around me.  
"I thought you'd c-care... about a lady in distress, Zelos. I thought you'd care... about me. If I can't talk to Lloyd, I can't talk to you, who is there? I'm all alone!"  
"Welcome to my world, Colette."  
She's silent for a moment, two moments, five. The silence stretches out until I can't measure how long its been since I've heard anything.  
"Zelos..."  
And now we're back to my name.  
"I thought I told you to get out."  
She doesn't seem to notice, or maybe she just doesn't care.  
"Why? Why is it like this? All my life, I've carried this burden, the title of Chosen. All my life, I've accepted it. I can't do it anymore, Zelos. I just can't. How do you do it, Zelos, how can you be so calm, so carefree, so... so..."  
"I don't. I'm not, any of those things. Colette, you don't get it. You're the one who's carefree, naive, fun, adorable..."  
Where did that last word come from? Old habits die hard.  
"But how do you do it? Hold up that guise in public, if you're hurting as much as you say you are?"  
She's a selective listener, Colette is. Gets straight to the point. She's an interesting girl, for lack of a better word.  
"Instinct. People treat me like royalty... so I act the part. I guess it comes naturally to me. Colette, you... you've got friends. You've got people who love you, people who care about you, people who'd die to save you, go to the ends of the world for you, go to the ends of two worlds... Colette... you're the one who doesn't understand what it's like to be truly and completely alone. I've got nobody but myself."  
"That's not true... I care about you..."  
What a naive little girl.  
"Hah. You care about everyone, Colette. You've said so yourself. You'd still trust me if I betrayed you."  
Ouch. What was that pang? Guilt?  
She puts an arm around me, tentatively, she's afraid. Afraid of me? She should be. Maybe she's smarter than I give her credit for.  
"Zelo-"  
"Can't you think up something more creative to say, my little angel?"  
She's smiling, just a little. Stupid Chosen. Didn't I tell her, it's just a facade, it's a lie?  
"It's okay, Zelos. I'm here for you. I promise."  
No. Nobody's ever been there for me. That's all I've ever had. Empty promises. I can't trust anyone. Not Colette. Not Sheena, not Sebastian. Not Lloyd, not... anyone.  
Then she's hugging me, pressing her body up to mine. I don't know what she's trying to do, if she's one of those people who thinks hugs can make everything better. I hate those people. I rest my hands lightly on her shoulders and push her away.  
And now -dear goddess, what is she doing?!- she's kissing me, and her lips are sinfully soft. It's obvious she's never done anything remotely like this before, but she seems quite determined.  
_It's almost cute..._  
No. No way. I've hit on younger girls, sure. But this is Colette. Lloyd's Colette. Not mine.  
I'm pushing her away again, more firmly than last time. I have no idea what's gotten into this girl.  
"Z-zelos..."  
My name yet again, but this time she's stuttering.  
_It's almost cute._  
Even my brain is repeating itself. This is unreal, everything's gone all hazy. What the hell is going on?  
"Colette."  
Two can play at this game.  
"W-what?"  
"No."  
She looks down at her feet as if they've become the most intriguing things in Tethe'alla.  
"W-what do you mean 'no'?"  
It's easy to tell she's lying. She knows perfectly well what I mean.  
"I mean no. Colette... dammit all."  
I get up and make my way towards the door. I need some fresh air.  
"Zelos..."  
She tugs at my sleeve, as if begging me not to leave her.  
"Don't go chasing after guys like me, Colette. You'll only find pain and suffering in the end. Go back to Lloyd. He'll take good care of you."  
"You said pain and suffering in the end. What about right now?"  
I turn around and look into her eyes. It almost hurts, seeing the desperation, the pain, I misjudged her.  
"I need something, Zelos, I don't know what. But I need to numb the pain, somehow. Help me..."  
This begging, pleading girl, fragile, weak. And she comes to me of all people, asking for help.  
"The kind of help I'd give you... is not the help you need."  
"But I want it."  
Like a drug.  
"It's not something I can give to you."  
"No! You give it to every whore who looks at you sideways, I know!"  
This is getting to be too much. For her. For me.  
"That's exactly the point, _hunny!"_  
My voice is dripping with sarcasm. At this point, I don't care if I hurt her. I'll regret it later, I know. But I don't care.  
"You're not just a whore! You're Colette!"  
"Well maybe I don't want to be Colette anymore!"  
"Colette!"  
"Zelos!"  
Faintly, distantly, I wonder if the others can hear us screaming at each other.  
"Fine! I'll give you what you want. Don't come crying to me later when it all comes down around your ears, _little angel!"_  
And now I'm the one kissing her, roughly, recklessly, hardly even a kiss. She wraps her arms around me and, oh goddess, the guilt. It hits me in waves, but this is what she wants. It's useless trying to push it all to the back of my mind. I can't help it, can't help feeling so horrible, it hurts, maybe worse than anything I've ever felt before. She's what, sixteen? Oh dear goddess... why do her lips taste so good?  
"Nnngh... Zelos..."  
This is so wrong. My stomach is twisting into knots, two sides of me are screaming, so loud, my head's going to split open, I swear.  
_She wants it, just give it to her!_  
_You're only going to hurt her, talk some sense into the girl!_  
I break away from her and stumble back, clutching my reeling head.  
"No... Colette... agh... I can't do this..."  
Somewhere, far away, I can hear footsteps. Everything is far away, eternities away. Someone is stroking my hair, softly brushing it back from my face. Reality is overrated. I can spend the rest of my life right here, because somehow this distant feeling combined with those soft hands is mesmerizingly amazing in so many different ways.  
"Sorry..."  
"You don' have to be sorry, Colette... angel."  
She giggles, in that Colette-ish way of hers and presses a kiss to my cheek. More footsteps, a door opens. A door closes, a latch clicks shut.  
I'm not feeling like myself. I need sleep. I slowly climb into bed. I'm not going to bother with trivial things like blankets. I feel too hot right now anyway. It's easier than I thought to drift off into that state of half-sleep half-wake I find myself in all too often. It's good enough for now.  
I must have been sleeping deeper than I thought, because when I feel a small body join me in my bed, it comes as a complete surprise.  
She's wrapping her arms around my waist again. It's strangely comforting. Maybe tonight I'll actually get some sleep. I roll over, careful not to hurt her, and return her gesture of... affection? Huh. In the dark, I can sense her smiling as she makes herself comfortable in my arms. This feels strange. Every time I've had a girl in my bed... it's been different. But then again, Colette is different.  
Colette Brunel. Zelos Wilder. Two broken people. Two broken souls. Maybe we're more similar than I'd thought. Maybe, just for this moment, we're not alone.


End file.
